Got a toothbrush?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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