i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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