The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
