Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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