I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
