we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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