Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
