He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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