VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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