I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
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Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
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I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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