I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Sorry my hands just texted you
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
