Welp...herpes.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
