Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
