So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
