I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
