I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
