Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
