There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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