so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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