is your mom at the bar?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
