roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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