Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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