when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
