i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
