It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
