Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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