i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
