i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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