if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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