I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
