she woke up with a sticky ear
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
