Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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