just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
