I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
