Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
