Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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