i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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