Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
