You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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