Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I think I won the penis lottery.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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