Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.