Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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