I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
