please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize