What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize