Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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