My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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