I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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