I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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