You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
