I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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