My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
