but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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