I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize