make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
